Praise or Gratitude?
Let me start by saying this: I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a parent.
That’s why I jokingly call this blog “Advice By an Idiot.” 🙃 Not because I don’t care—but because I’ve learned everything the hard way. I’ve been both kinds of “idiot”:
- The one who repeats the same mistake over and over, blames others, and justifies the outcomes.
- And the better kind—the one who regrets, says sorry, and learns.
🌱 We All Want Our Kids to Thrive
As parents, we all want our children to know when they’re doing well.
We want them to feel proud, successful, and confident in who they are.
Because confidence isn’t just a feeling.
It’s the deep, inner knowledge that you can handle things.
That you can try, fail, get up again.
That you can grow, and that you're loved—even when you mess up.
💬 “Great Job!” vs. “Thank You.”
In the past, I’ve said all the usual things:
“Well done!”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“You’re such a wonderful boy!”
I meant every word. But lately, I’ve been questioning the effect those phrases have.
They sound nice—but are they truly connecting?
Imagine this: what if I walked up to my daughter’s principal and said:
“You’re doing a great job being a principal! You’re really good at running a school.”
Would she feel genuinely appreciated? Or just… mildly condescended to?
🧠 Seeing Children Differently
The truth is, children are smaller than us—but they’re also the future.
They’ll outlive us.
They’ll learn more than we’ve ever known.
They’ll most likely be smarter than us one day.
They deserve respect, not just praise.
Instead of complimenting the principal on “being a good principal,”
what if I said:
“Thank you so much for making my daughter feel included at your school.
Thank you for the thoughtful programming.
Thank you for making my life easier as a parent.”
That’s not praise. That’s gratitude. And it lands differently.
💜 How I Speak to My Daughter Now
Lately, I’ve been trying this same approach with my daughter.
Instead of:
“Wow, great job on your song!”
I’ll say:
“Thank you. That song was emotional and so deep. It made me feel hopeful. I was truly touched by it.”
Or instead of:
“What a beautiful painting!”
I might say:
“Thank you for showing me this. The colors made me feel happy inside. That rainbow over the flowers—wow. I’m so lucky to have you.”
💡 Why This Matters
There’s nothing wrong with giving praise. But it does come with a few downsides:
- Praise usually flows from the person in power, which can unintentionally make the other feel smaller.
- Praise can become addictive. It can train children to seek approval like social media likes instead of growing from within.
But gratitude? Gratitude says:
“You matter to me. You made a difference.”
It tells your child:
You’re valued not for what you achieve, but for who you are and how your presence touches others.
And that? That builds confidence that lasts.